


At the gates

by devo79



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Crack, Dialogue-Only, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-15
Updated: 2012-04-15
Packaged: 2017-11-03 16:56:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/383752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devo79/pseuds/devo79





	At the gates

“Next.”

“Hey? What’s going on?”

“Name, please.”

“Um…Xander…”

“I’ll need your entire name, please.”

“Alexander Lavelle Harris.”

“Harris…Harris…Ah, yes.”

“What?”

“Oh…well…I have to ask you some additional questions.”

“Where am I?”

“I’m afraid this is the line for assessment and distribution. If you want to ask questions you’ll have to get in line at Customer Service after we’re done here.”

“Customer Service?”

“Yes…Now…Have you ever eaten shrimp?”

“Shrimp?”

“I’m sorry, there seems to be a problem with the acoustics here. I keep hearing this echo.”

“Huh?”

“Shrimp! Look, I don’t have all eternity. Just answer the questions, Mr. Harris.”

“Okay.”

“So…have you?”

“Have I what?”

“Eaten shrimp?”

“Oh…yeah.”

“Oh dear…well…”

“Is that bad?”

“Well, yes of course it’s bad! Thou shall not eat shrimp or squid.”

“Is that like a quote from a movie I’m suppose to have seen?”

“No! Thou shall not eat shrimp or squid. It’s in the holiest of books.”

“Hitcherhicker’s Guide to the galaxy?”

“No…no no no! The Bible! The Bible! Haven’t you read it?”

“Not really…I mean, I’ve watched a few TV-specials and Spartacus.”

“Spartacus is not in the Bible.”

“He’s not?”

“No…and neither is Charlston Heston.”

“You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!”

“What?”

“Planet of the Apes…Great movie!”

“Yes, well…Let’s just get on with the questions, shall we?”

“All right. Is there a prize if I answer all of them correctly? Like a car or something?”

“You could say that…”

“Cool.”

“Have you ever touched a grey tabby cat?”

“Yes.”

“Haven’t you read the twelve commandments?”

“Twelve?”

“Yes. Right after thou shall not kill it says thou shall not touch grey tabby cats.”

“No, it doesn’t”

“Yes, it does.”

“No.”

“It certainly does, Mr. Harris!”

“Pffftthhh, liar.”

“You…are you calling me a liar?”

“Oh, please. Thou shall not touch grey tabby cats? That’s just stupid!”

“God made that commandment!”

“Sure he did and you’ve met him personally.”

“As a matter of fact I’m going to have lunch with him in half an hour.”

“Right…but not shrimp.”

“Certainly not.”

“Look…I think it’s great that people like you …”

“People like me?”

“Yeah…you know, people with mental problems. So I think it’s great people like you can work places like this…Wherever this place is…but I’d really like to see your manager.”

“My manager…is busy.”

“Look…Um…What’s your name? Shouldn’t you be wearing a name tag or something?”

“Peter…My name’s Peter…”

“Look, Peter. I don’t know what’s going on but I was just about to help my friend Buffy slay this three headed demon guy with a serious dandruff problem…I don’t know what happened or how I got here but I really think you need to call your manager or at least tell me how I can get back.”

“I-I-I…Have you ever…”

“Look…give me that!”

“Hey! That’s my clipboard! You can’t just…”

“Two hundred more questions? What the hell…Have you ever looked at a depiction of the Virgin Mary and been aroused? Hell no! Have you honored your father and mother? Yeah, right….”

“Give me my clipboard back!”

“I’ll just answer all these. Have you ever worn blue on a Tuesday? Can’t remember…but yeah, probably.”

“Thou shall not…”

“Shhhh….”

“Thou shall not steal the gatekeeper’s clipboard.”

“Have you ever touched yourself? Have you answered these as well?”

“No…I helped make the questioneer.”

“Figures…I’ll just put no to the rest. No…no no no and...no. There.”

“You can’t do that!”

“I just did so stop freaking out.”

“Thou shall not…”

“You sound exactly like one of those TV-evangelists.”

“I do not.”

“Sure you do. It’s starting to give me the wiggins.”

“They don’t even get to do the questioneer. They go straight down.”

“Whatever. So where’s the exit?”

“Exit?”

“Yeah, I’m leaving.”

“You can’t go back like that! Last time that happened we had to do the whole New Testament thing.”

“See you later, Peter!”

“Oh, God! I hope not.”


End file.
